Chapter 6 – Blind Allegiance

Chapter 6 – Blind Allegiance

That 20 year life span between the two (real) me’s was not without it’s significant moments, substance, or things that I will hold onto for the rest of my life, but it was empty in many ways. It was like the universe, big and beautiful and full of life, but also dark and strangely void.

It was like my own black hole. Whereby, I was trapped by myself, without conception of myself.

Before moving on though and explaining what it was like escaping this black hole, I want to first go over one more thing which brought me into this existence – my personal relationships. Continue reading “Chapter 6 – Blind Allegiance”

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Chapter 5 – AutoCorrect Off

Spoiler alert. I’ll go ahead and start this chapter by breaking the news to you all that I did not become Chuck Norris. Le Sigh. Maybe the worst or best parenting decision my parents ever made stopped that from ever becoming a reality early on.

Basically, due to my rambunctious and somewhat violent behavior in elementary school, I was put in in-school counseling around the first or second grade. Something along the lines of anger management for little people. Continue reading “Chapter 5 – AutoCorrect Off”

Chapter 4 – mini me

Chapter 4 – mini-me

I’ll be honest, I kinda liked mini me growing up despite all that ridiculous machismo I tried to copy. I was incredibly raw and wild, free and happy, and the world to me held countless possibilities. There was no can’t in my vocabulary, and I honestly believed I could do anything I wanted to.

Continue reading “Chapter 4 – mini me”

Chapter 3 – All-American Boy

Chapter 3 – All-American Boy

“Isn’t that pretty much all men?”

That’s a question/statement I’ve gotten from a lot of women when I talk about my previous inability to be emotionally attached or available. As if they all are secretly head nodding as they relate. I think most women in America in fact have just accepted that we American men aren’t going to be someone they can count on to talk to about their feelings, or to share our thoughts with. At least, they don’t expect more than a head nod or occasional glance up from our electronic devices while doing so.

To have a man voluntarily talk about his feelings, in fact, would probably cause a member of the opposite sex to wonder if a pig is flying gleefully through the air somewhere. Yet, it’s the polar opposite if we were to turn things around and talk about women under the same premise.

I wonder, how did that become?

Continue reading “Chapter 3 – All-American Boy”

Chapter 2 – Adultizing

Chapter 2 – Adultizing

Growing up; well, actually that’s a funny thing – growing up. Before I even begin to explain what my life was like growing up and how I got to this point in my life, I’d like to talk about just how oddly we go about creating grown ups in our society, or classifying people as grown ups, and what that results in.

For example, take how we classify a boy becoming a man. Depending on your culture (or wacko family), becoming a man could mean anything from turning 18, to when you stop growing, to when you start growing body hair, to having your first drink, to when you lose your virginity, to standing on some tall pole practically naked for a ridiculously long amount of time, etc., etc. However, through all the traditions all over the world that have to do with how a boy becomes a man (or a grown up), I don’t think one actually coincides with how that individual recognizes their own maturity, or becomes grown up. It’s just assumed that under certain circumstances, or by a certain time, you will become a man, or a grown up. But what if you don’t? And who the fuck ever has?

Continue reading “Chapter 2 – Adultizing”

Chapter 1 – Chronologically Feeling

Probably seems a bit odd that someone who has a blog titled Man, ALL the Feels would have a book titled Unemotional. However, it was a giant ride on the emotional struggle bus to get from the Unemotional state of my life to the Man, ALL the Feels part. To put it quite simply, I haven’t always been so ‘feely’. In fact, I have only been so for about 10% of my life. The chapters in this book are my best attempt to tell you about how all that played out.

I hope they help you or someone you know feel something as well.

Preface Thought:

Why is it that we can only open up to others completely, trustingly, emotionally via writing and song? Why aren’t we allowed to share our own humanity in the space of other humans?

Chapter 1 – Chronologically Feeling

Lots of stories start at the beginning, some fast forward to the end, but I honestly couldn’t tell you where this story begins or what will happen at the end of it all, so, instead, I’ll just tell you what I’ve learned from it and how that all came about.

For the first 30 odd years of my life, 10,657 days to be exact, I was incapable of entirely feeling pretty much anything – for myself or for others. I would underline the word entirely here if I was writing this to myself, because although I felt every emotion, I just couldn’t feel the whole spectrum of any emotion during that time. I mean there were always feelings, I just couldn’t really feel feel any of them if that makes any sense. I damn sure couldn’t share any of them with anyone else. The connection that I needed to do so, between my inner self and my cognitive/physical self, was just never established growing up. Or, there were things that maybe, more accurately, hindered that connection from being forged during my development. So I guess you could say in many ways I was spared, or I spared myself, from feelings growing up.

Feelings, however, are never something you want to be spared from.

Continue reading “Chapter 1 – Chronologically Feeling”